Another New Year to Resolute!

Ahhh, New Years! A time to reflect, make lists and promises, turn over a new leaf...begin anew! Since I am a self-proclaimed, avid list-maker, I can't remember when I didn't make a New Year's resolution list. A few years ago I began to notice that the people that I truly admire, okay...want to be like, never made lists or resolutions. At all. When I asked why, the answer was simple and pure -- "if there is something I think I need to work on, I'll just do it." Ohhh, the simplicity of it all! In my mind, that's where I want to be! I sometimes think I make things so complicated and messy that there is no way I can complete anything on my "to do for myself" list. And let's face it, it also gives me a thousand and one reasons to rationalize my failings.

So, after some pre-New Year's reflection, I've decided I want to keep my resolutions simple and pure. INNER PEACE. That's it. And I don't want to come off as sounding "all zen-like and mysterious," because I am so not. And for those who know me...please keep the laughter down, thankyouverymuch! However, my thinking is this: if I only have inner peace to work on, won't all the other stuff naturally fall into place...eventually?

Stay with me on this. I know I'm rambling, but in this case I think it might be worth it. If I can truly become comfortable with myself and who I am, then I can comfortably assess all the clutter in my life. Such as:

• My faith. I am a Christian, but I don't always practice my faith. There are people whom I envy (see?...there's another thing to work on!) who are so comfortable in their faith and who they are.
  
• Healthy food choices and exercise. Always, always...'nuf said.
• My finances. I know I need a budget, a plan, and a plan-for-the-future. Because the whole "waiting for a rich guy to propose" is not working out.
• My grumpy attitude. When it rears its ugly head, let me tell you, the masses run. I want to be able to not just control it, but make it go away all-together.
• My procrastination issues. Why do I always seem to leave things to the very last minute? I admit, at times it works for me, but mostly I end up wanting to slap my head like Chris Farley and yell "stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Now, I would be remiss if I didn't list the things in my life that ARE working well, and I am so blessed and grateful for all of them:

• My children. I would never paint them as perfect, but to me, they are my perfections! They all have their different paths in life, and I love each one for that. My relationship with them is loving, unique, and special.
• My family. We are a small bunch, but woven very tightly.
  
• My friends. They love and accept me for who I am. I think I would be lost without them. Seriously, I do.
• My house. I know, I know, we shouldn't put worth into inanimate objects, but for me my house is my sanctuary. It's the place I picked after my divorce, decorated it just the way I wanted to, and where all my loved ones sleep every night. It's my haven.
• My job. I love it...it gives me energy, purpose, meaning, and flexibility. How many people can say that they really, really, love their job?

I am going to stop here because I have 5 things to work on and 5 things that are going exceptionally well, and I like when things come out even. So, one thing to work on. That's it. Just one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The After Christmas "Ahhh's..."

What a lovely Christmas! In fact, I haven't had such a nice Christmas in quite a while. I usually do too much, buy too much, decorate too much, so much of everything that I never end up enjoying Christmas for what it is. This year, things were different...

I am blessed to have a job where I can take the entire 2-week "winter break" off with my kids (winter break vs. Christmas? a whole different subject...) That is when my craziness usually begins. This year, I did most of my shopping early. In years before, I organized a Christmas Potluck Luncheon for my Staff and Board on the day after the last Christmas Program. That also meant I had to get to school early and decorate and then clean up afterwards. This year, I asked a Board member to take charge of the luncheon and she organized the entire event...yea! Instead of hauling all our Christmas boxes out, I only put out the decorations that I truly love. Last year I baked and baked and baked. This year? Just a few of our favorites! And this year I pulled the Christmas CD's that I really love, not the whole "kit-and-kaboodle." Did I worry about if my kids got all they wanted? Nope...I gave them a few wants and needs and they were thrilled.

On Christmas Eve we drove up to my parents' home and celebrated with family and friends. The meal was delicious, the opening of gifts fun, and then we all went to the candlelight service at their church. The late-night drive home was filled with reminiscing of past Christmases and laughter. At home Santa had left everyone new PJ's. I can't remember which one of my daughters it was, but one of them asked me this summer if they still getting PJ's on Christmas Eve. I think they thought they might be getting too old...never, it's tradition! The next morning I woke up early, made our special Christmas morning breakfast, stuffed the stockings, and spent a few precious moments with my thoughts before the kids got up. And it doesn't matter how old they get, there is still genuine excitement in their faces and voices at seeing the gifts and smelling their favorite "breakfast pizza."

As I was cleaning the kitchen I heard my kids talk with each other about when they will one day bring their kids to grandma's house for Christmas, and it took me a moment to realize they were talking about ME as a grandma! I am far from that kind of thinking, but it's nice to know that I am included in their future plans. During Christmas Day at different times, all three of my kids came to me to thank me for making their Christmas so special. The genuine sincerity, the hugs, the smiles...that was all and more than I could ever want. I know our holidays together are numbered, so I want to savor each one.

And now? Three days after Christmas? I'm relaxed, decorations put away (I am not one for having things hang around and wear out their stay!), house is clean, and I've still got almost a week left to enjoy my time off. Starting with having lunch tomorrow with a close friend. After all, there is a limit to hanging out with teenagers...and I've hit it!

Wrestling Mania

My youngest daughter's boyfriend, Aaron, lives in a small rural community about an hour east of Denver, CO. He is a very sweet boy who tends to be as serious as Emily is spontaneous -- they compliment each other well. They can only get together every few weeks due to the distance. But this is nice -- it makes every time they see one another a special occasion. However, it also makes for some very long phone conversations...

Tonight Aaron had a wrestling match in a neighboring community which Emily really wanted to go to. I had told her that I would take her, but really? I was dreading it. After all day at work the last thing I wanted to do was drive 45 minutes to some school gym and watch a wrestling match. And today winter had shown its' cold and snowy face and I hate driving in snow.

But, I had made a promise to Emily. She is a sweet, low maintenance, and not very demanding girl who just wanted to show her support to her boyfriend. So, off we went. I had told her that we would leave the wrestling match right at 7pm, and no later. The town was so small that we actually drove through it before we realized what it was. The school was home to elementary, middle, and high school students. The lady who took our entrance fee and stamped a cougar paw print on my hand was smiley and very friendly.

As we walked into the gym I felt as though I had been transported back to a time when families did things together. The gym was full of moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, friends, and plain 'ol towns folk -- this was obviously the place to be on this particular evening. Emily and I found Aaron's mom, brother, and sister and sat with them. And we were definitely the "townies" in the gym. Which is kinda funny since we live in a suburb, not downtown Denver, but still...

I heard snippets of conversations about football, trucks, garbage, the weather, and grain. Three communities were represented and everyone seemed to know each others "business" and "going ons." Emily had baked Aaron cookies and I would have loved to have taken their picture -- sitting on the gym floor, backs against the padded wall, laughing and eating cookies together. I think I would have crossed the "mom" line if I had taken that picture, but I did get a very sincere "thank you" from Aaron for bringing Emily out to his match.

On the way home I let my mind wander...what would it be like to live in such a small, close-knit community? I have to admit, something about farm life tugs at my heart. I remember digging up carrots, jumping in hay stacks, and playing with dogs on my uncles farm when I was very young and wanting to be a farmers wife when I grew up. Where did those dreams go? But more importantly, what are my dreams now? I'm not sure if I really have any -- too busy getting by day to day. Maybe it's time to allow myself take a few moments every now and then to think about what it is that I really want...what do I want to be when I grow up?

Shop 'til You Drop

No, not really, but for the first time ever I went shopping on Black Friday. My oldest daughter begged, pleaded, enticed, and pouted -- all her ammo came out last night. She scouted websites, cut coupons, and even came up with a written game plan. And how could I say "no"? With every birthday and Christmas that goes by, I think about how quickly it will be until my kids are on their own and I won't have tempting offers...like waking up at 4am to take advantage of Earlybird Specials.

So, I went to bed last night and set my alarm earlier than I can ever remember doing before. Because my son came home at midnight and wanted to chat while he ate his spicy burrito, I only got a few hours of sleep. My cat looked at me under her hooded lids and I got the distinct impression that she was thinking "suuuucker..." And she would have been right.

By the time I shuffled into the kitchen for my much needed coffee, Kelly was almost bouncing off the walls. She was dressed, coiffed, and clearly didn't need any coffee. All the commotion woke my younger daughter, Emily, and not one to stay behind, she decided to come with us. It takes her only a few minutes to get ready because she is not into matching every item of clothing that she wears (like her sister).

I was still shaking my head in disbelief as I pulled out of the driveway. It was still chilly and very dark outside. I was just thinking how embarrassed Kelly was going to be when she saw how empty the stores were going to be. But then we drove up the hill and I saw the most amazing sunrise ever. And more amazing still was when we turned into the mall -- it was packed!

In the parking lot Kelly ran into two of her friends, and she shot me a look that said, "See? I told you this was going to be fun!" Old Navy was our first stop, and yes, I walked away with some terrific bargains. Next stop was to the indoor craft mall -- again, money was spent. The third stop was Target, which was packed. By the time we got into the car it was only 9am! The girls were chatting about stores they still wanted to go to. Me? I had enough shopping to satisfy me for a long time.

The girls dropped me off at home, and with a backwards wave, they were off again. I made more coffee, and loving the quietness I sat on my patio and thought about my early morning adventure. Would I do it again? Maybe.... Did my daughters have fun? Definitely! I got hugs and "thank you's" and heard a lot of giggling. I've gotten my Christmas gifts early this year -- special time with my girls. And now if you'll please excuse me...I'm going for a much needed nap!

All Grown Up

My daughter Emily had all four of her wisdom teeth removed this morning. Today has been discussed, analyzed from all angles, and worried over for about 5 weeks. Let me tell you -- Emily's history with pain has been, well, painful.

She is only 13 months younger than her older sister Kelly, who when Em was born, became a "little mother." Emily didn't ever have to lift a finger because Kelly was there to get it for her. Emily decided what to eat, what to wear, what to play with, etc., based on whatever it was that Kelly was doing. She was the shyest of my children, spoke last, walked last...was literally, my "hip baby." Her tiny little childhood scratches, splinters, cuts and bruises were larger-than-life and hurt more than any other child's in the whole world. Many a time did I pry her from underneath the examination table at the pediatricians office -- shots were invented to torture Emily. As she grew older, my patience with her fear of needles lessened; my "motherly love" had a limit -- "Emily, please just deal with it and grow up"!

My "wish" came true today. Emily was up at 6am, dressed and ready to go. At 7am she was whisked into the back room at the ortho before I had a chance to say "good-bye," or "I love you, honey." Exactly an hour and a half later they wheeled her out. Admittedly, she was a bit loopy and her speech was somewhat garbled, but insisted she wasn't in any pain.

We got home, she ate some yogurt, took her meds, and took a nap (wait, I need to add this: on the way home, she thanked me for taking care of her and spending money to get her mouth fixed...wow). When she woke up she ate mac 'n cheese, applesauce, and more yogurt. I asked about the procedure -- I was curious as to her reaction to the needle and shot she received. She said she saw the needle, and the tears started to flow, but both the doctor and nurse were so sweet and nice to her, she knew she didn't have to be scared and the next thing she remembered was falling asleep. As soon as she finished telling me that, she left to go to McDonald's with her brother and sister and "gummed" a double cheeseburger. Currently, she is next door at her bff's house, just hanging out.

So, why am I left with this very empty feeling? As much as I was dreading her recovery, with what I thought was going to be whining, crying, etc., I was also looking forward to "baby-ing" her. She is, after all, my last baby. But that didn't happen. In fact, I'm the one left a bit weepy...today my baby girl "grew up" into a young lady right before my eyes. And I've been saying for a few years now how I just can't wait until the kids leave and I will finally have the house to myself? Lies, all lies...

Christmas in October...

It's October 10th, and we are already weeks into the Christmas season! Really?! I know, I know, it's no surprise to people anymore -- it's almost expected. Back to school and Christmas countdown all at once. Is it any wonder that the day after Christmas I look forward to putting all the decorations away...preferably before noon! We are inundated with music, lights, movies, sales, Santas, toys, catalogs, and of course, commercials -- "Christmased" out by the 25th! How very, very sad. And did you even notice that I never even mentioned Halloween or Thanksgiving?

I've worked in retail and know that the retail season is 3-6 months ahead of the actual season. And now there is a 5th season -- it comes in January and is called "cruise season." Exactly. Personally, I'd like to see a ban on all-things-Christmas until after Thanksgiving. Is it ever going to happen? Never. So what can we do?

Let's face it...Halloween is for kids. Something happens when we grow up and Halloween doesn't seem fun and exciting anymore. But to kids? It's amazing! I can remember that after trick-or-treating my brother and sister and I would dump our pumpkins out on the kitchen table and swap and trade candy. Likewise when my own kids were young -- there was more laughter and fun going on than the actual outing for the goods. Relax and enjoy...

After Halloween, let's get excited about Thanksgiving. I know there is a lot of PC stuff in the news about how this group wants the holiday banned, and Columbus was a no-good-SOB, etc, etc. Ugh...people, let it go already! Let's be grateful that this amazing country was discovered and has become the welcome beacon to so many different people. Let's celebrate our achievements and uniqueness. And to do so with family, friends, turkey, mashed potatoes, and pie...even better.

And after the meal, as you are laying on the couch watching the game, drifting in and out of a very satisfied sleepiness, then you may begin to think about Christmas. It might even begin early the next morning with all the Christmas sales. Think how much more happy and excited people would be if they saw the Christmas decorations for the first time that day! And the lights on the trees would seem special and bright, the carols more meaningful, and the Santas jolly...the way it should be.

And Advent, oh how I love Advent! Going to church every Sunday brings me that much closer to the real gift of Christmas. I want to feel that excitement and yearning that only comes with the true meaning of Christmas. It's a feeling that I haven't felt in quite a few years and I want it back...this year.

So, how do I get it back? Well, I can grumble about commercialism and this and that, but guess what? It is totally up to me to change how I feel. So...I'm going to start with Halloween. I never dress up for our Fall Festival at school..."It's just not my thing..." Well, you're right, it really is not my thing, but that's not what it is all about -- it's about the kids and their fun. So this year I'm dressing up as Mary Poppins...and totally looking forward to it! Woo hoo! And Thanksgiving? Instead of moaning about the crowds and sales and people...I might just join in this year!

Christmas...I want to feel the excitement and energy as I once did, not the work, commitments, guilt, or the same 'ol routine. I want to make a conscious effort to embrace the wonderfulness of the entire season...from start to finish.

Down on the Farm

My brother called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to meet him, his 3 1/2-year old daughter Anna, and my aunt for lunch today. He chose "White Fence Farm" because of the animals (or as Anna says it, "animunks"). My son bowed out due to school work; my daughter Kelly declined because Homecoming was this weekend, yet teachers still assigned loads of homework. Emily was up for lunch...as long as I let her drive. Even though 470 was down to one lane (I had no idea construction went on over the weekend!), and I used my imaginary brake several times, we got to our destination just fine.

There are two White Fence Farm restaurants in the country, the other one being in Chicago. Robb and I have a vague recollection of going there for one of our dads' birthdays (this was way before any marriages or grand-kids). The setting was beautiful -- typical farm buildings, lots of trees, little walking paths, gazebo, etc. The weather was sunny, crisp, very fall-like. As we went inside, I whispered to my brother, "Emily and Anna are seriously bringing down the average age in here," because really? It was full of very, very elderly folk! And my aunt? Knew several of them!

The dinner was served family-style, and the fried chicken was excellent, but who eats beets? And kidney-bean salad with dill pickles? And cottage cheese? I thought things like biscuits and corn-on-the-cob were supposed to be served with fried chicken. Although, they had these little powdered-sugar corn fritters that were very tasty. Our take-out box wasn't a box, it was a plastic bag that Emily dumped the extra chicken and corn fritters in.

We walked outside to the petting barn. Yes, Anna loved the animals, but I think Emily was as excited as I had ever seen her. She bonded with a cute little goat who's back she scratched. The goat totally arched its' back "cat-like," and kept nudging Em for more scratches. There was a huge pig in the barn that we named Wilbur, because why wouldn't we? Now, Anna is a calm, wonderful child. I've never seen her disagreeable...ever. But when Robb said, "C'mon Anna, let's go home and see if mommy is home from her trip," Anna said, "no." And kept saying it louder and louder. Of course, Emily and I did the wrong thing and giggled, which kept her going, I think. So, Robb being the very good daddy, picked her up. She did the "back-arch" and wanted to be let down. For those of you not familiar with the "back-arch," it's a very clever thing little kids do that makes it nearly impossible to hold them.

As Anna was just about to "ramp it up," I noticed a John Deere tractor. I asked Anna if she wanted to ride the tractor, and Emily jumps up on the tractor and pulls up her young cousin. It made for a very cute photo. By that time some other little girls were wanting to get on the John Deere, so Anna willingly got off. We said our good-byes and got into the car. I immediately told Em she was going to have to toss her bag of fried chicken because the scent was overwhelming. Well, Em refused to give up her bag of left-overs, so she hung the bag outside the window and rolled the window up. The looks we got on the highway were of curiosity to frowning (probably thinking something super gross was in the bag...).

So, this Sunday was fun spent with family, farm animals, the Broncos game (they won). And only 3 weeks until fall break...

Funeral for a Friend

Today was a typical late-summer day in Colorado -- a few white billowy clouds making their way lazily across a bright blue sky and excited people headed up to the mountains for the long Labor Day weekend. But I had something much more important to do today...I went to a funeral for a friend.

I've known Brian and Marilyn since I moved here 10 years ago. We attended a "start-up" church -- a congregation that met in a middle-school cafeteria until we could build a church building. When the new building finally became a reality, Marilyn and I were on the "preschool task force." A community preschool was very important to the congregation, and we were thrilled to be able to give seed to the dream. At that time, I had no plans on being involved with the preschool after the building was built, but Marilyn was the one who urged me to become one of the teachers. And look where I am today...thanks for giving me the push I needed, Marilyn!

Brian and Marilyn have 3 children; Jordan, Jaxson, and Joshua. Jordan is currently in high school, and the boys both attended the preschool several years ago. The boys are adopted and only a year apart -- like typical boys, they could be a handful. My son used to babysit Jaxson and Joshua. They loved playing with Matt and I know Matt really enjoyed rough-housing with the boys. But what he remembers most about all the times he babysat for the family, were when Brian would pick him up and drop him off (pre-drivers' license era). Matt said he and Brian would have these really interesting discussions about all sorts of different things. I remember at times I would hear the car pull up, but Matt wouldn't come inside until later -- their talks could last and last and last... I also was so grateful that Matt had such a positive male role-model in his life.

Brian was an amazing dad. The way he was with his sons was incredible. Jordan and her dad were especially close. My daughter Kelly and Jordan went on several high school youth service trips together. Brian always made sure his kids got to all their activities, whether sports, church, play-dates, whatever. He totally supported Marilyn when she decided to go back to school. He was one of the easiest people to talk with -- always had a smile on his face and ready to help out wherever he was needed.

Four years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. Although not a lot of people knew...his appearance didn't change, even though there were times that he really struggled with the pain. I think Marilyn carried most of the pain, anger, and worries at that time for both of them. Then, about 2 years ago, he took a downward turn. His weight loss was dramatic, but again, his personality never changed and he was still smiling. A few weeks ago the family took a trip to his hometown of Portland, Oregon. He became so weak that they had to come home earlier than planned. Into the hospital he went. A week and a half ago he came home, and a few days later he died.

This morning I was at the church early to help set-up for the luncheon afterward. There was a table set up with photos of Brian and his family, and people were quietly talking to the family and each other. I had put my purse in a cabinet in the main office and went in to grab it before the service began. I heard the door open and Marilyn came in -- I'm sure she needed some time alone. I felt like I was invading her privacy and tried to sneak out but she turned around and saw me. The pain in her face was unbearable...she clung to me and wept and wept. What does one say to comfort in a time like that? I really can't remember exactly what I said, and between both of our tears and sobs I hope I gave her just a little bit of strength.

It was a beautiful service -- the music, the flowers, the testimonials. What I won't forget is Jaxson and Joshua walking up the center aisle carrying the cross and the candle, Pastor Tom's emotional voice, a co-worker of Brian who said he was such a "spirited soul," and Marilyn and Jordon holding on to each other so tightly, as if physically supporting each other, as they walked down the aisle. In good ol' Lutheran tradition there was plenty of homemade food. I know some people think that having a meal after a funeral is inappropriate, but I believe the contrary. It is a time for the family to be surrounded and supported by friends and family of the deceased. It is a time where it is not only ok, but encouraged, to talk about how much they will miss and mourn their loved one. It is a time of comfort.

Good bye Brian...we miss you.

The Awesome Tomato

I love tomatoes. I mean I really, really love tomatoes. As a kid, I hated them...thought they were evil. Except in pizza, spaghetti, etc., which seems to be true with a lot of kids. Which is one of the reasons tomatoes are so great -- they can be anything from junk food to a refreshing summer salad to a vessel of healthy, cancer-blocking lycopenes.

As I am sitting on my patio (this is where most of my blogs start, now that I think about it) with my coffee and fresh tomato toast (more on that later), the sun is just starting its ascent and my kids are all still snoozing soundly, I think this is as perfect as life gets. The country seems angry; jobs and businesses are in jeopardy; finances are always stomach-turning; who doesn't worry about their kids?; and the list continues. But sometimes, it takes mornings like this to appreciate our wonderful world and the God that created it.

Did you know that the tomato is the most popular FRUIT? Yes, fruit! It has seeds, but in 1863 the Supreme Court (one can never seem to get away from politics...) ruled that tomatoes were to be considered vegetables. Only after the tomato in popularity come the banana, apple, orange, and watermelon. It is related to the eggplant, red pepper, and potato, and originated in South America. By the way, a vegetable is the edible stem, leaf, or root of a plant.

The tomato is literally packed with vitamins A and C, calcium, potassium, fiber, and lycopene (what gives the tomato its deep red color). Tests have shown that the incredible tomato can reduce the risk of prostate cancer, heart disease, and a multitude of other health concerns. This is my own blog and not a medical journal so I am not going to get hugely specific, or site sources, so if you get curious you can do your own research on the tomato.

Tomato toast is my very favorite breakfast. It's really a sandwich, but by calling it toast I can justify eating it for breakfast. A piece of toasted whole wheat bread, a thin spreading of mayo, a slice of swiss cheese, thick tomato slices, and a sprinkle of dill and salt. And this morning was extra-special -- my first tomato was finally ready to be picked! I've been waiting, and watching, and worrying during rainstorms and tornadoes... The "snap" of the vine made me smile, and the first slice I made into the red beauty was cause for celebration.

I only have one plant, but it has 3 more ready-to-eat tomatoes, and the tiny green buds of more to come. This is when I selfishly think that it's okay that my kids don't like tomatoes -- I get to enjoy the entire crop myself! My friend Tina can't tolerate fresh tomatoes (but cooked ones are fine) and I'm so sad for her. Actually, she can't drink coffee either, so she is really missing out on some of the best things in life, isn't she? I have another friend who grows a crazy amount of tomatoes every summer and gives me his home-made salsa and tomato soup (it is soooo good!). You just can't beat the taste of home-grown tomatoes. And the bland tomatoes that you buy in the store? They are tasteless because they are picked when still under-ripe and "gassed" to ripen as they are sent to the stores. Ugh...makes me never want to eat another store-bought tomato again!

A summertime favorite of mine to make is Pico de Gallo, with a lot of cilantro. Served with barely warm, extra thin tortilla chips...you can taste it, can't you? There is a Mexican restaurant nearby (not a chain, the real honest-to-goodness real thing), that makes the absolute best pico de gallo (and margharitas!). They add shredded cabbage which gives the pico a really sweet crunch. I've included my pico de gallo recipe and feel free to adjust to your taste. Enjoy!

PICO DE GALLO

3 large tomatoes or 6 Roma tomatoes
2 large white onions
1 bunch green onions (opt.)
1 bunch cilantro leaves
2 Serrano peppers (remove seeds and ribs)
2 to 3 limes
salt & pepper

Chop tomatoes, white onion, green onion, and cilantro. Cut peppers as small as possible but make sure to taste after adding to mix for heat factor. Juice limes and pour into bowl with rest of mixture. Add a generous helping of salt and pepper, then taste. Let sit for a few hours in refrigerator to marinate.

Single Parenthood

This has been irking me for some time. I need to vent...get it off my chest...complain...let go. I have plenty of ideas for positive and productive blogs, and in time I will get to them, but this is not one of them.

I've been a single parent for 5 years now. It has gotten easier over time, but make no mistake, it is a life-changing situation. I have friends, really good friends, who make the comment, "Husband/wife is outta town, so I'm a single parent this week." And the way in which they say it is kinda laughy/flip/woe-is-me. Really?!? Let me see...

Do you have someone to laugh with? Share with? Cry with? Do you share your children's joys and sorrows with your spouse? What about finances? Do you have someone to create a budget with? Do you have someone to decide where to take the family vacation this year? How about raising the kids? Do you not consult each other in times of trials? Rites of passages? College education? Or how about health issues? If your child breaks their arm -- who do you sit with in the waiting room, who gives you comfort? When/if you have a child diagnosed with a mental illness, cancer, or a learning disability -- who do you discuss options and paths of treatment with? At the end of a particular bad day, do you have someone who can "take over" so you can seek silence and quiet reflection? When you are one person and three kids need to get to activities, you feel bad asking so-and-so's parent again for a ride for your child (trust me, you do).

So, please, try and think about how it would affect you if you really were a single parent. I know, being by yourself for a few days, weeks, even months might seem daunting, but at least you have a soundboard, even if just a phone call, email, or text away.

The Burrito Man

About 2 miles north of where I live is the intersection of Gun Club Road and Quincy Ave. I've lived in my town home for 3 1/2 years, and 2 of those years I drove my kids to school via the aforementioned intersection. Every morning we would pass the Burrito Man -- he sells breakfast burritos on the southeast corner. Even though I don't drive the kids to school any more, every now and then I drive through the intersection during the morning hour and see the Burrito Man.

Now, I have no idea who he really is, only that every morning he is on his corner with his pick up truck, warming cart, various coolers, and a brightly-colored umbrella. A few times I've seen a woman -- the kids and I have named her Mrs. Burrito Man. We are sure he runs a popular place because the parking lot is always full of cars, bikes, and semis. The kids and I always, without fail, say, "hey, there's the Burrito Man!" He is always there, and only the most severe weather keeps him from setting up his stand.

I like to imagine that the Burrito Man enjoys what he does. He always seems to be talking and laughing with his customers. Maybe he was a corporate guy in his other life and had it with the stress; maybe he was laid off a while back and is doing this until a "real" job comes along; maybe he (and his wife) chose this lifestyle -- I have no idea.

One of my kids always makes the comment that we really should stop one of these days and get a burrito, but I don't think we ever will. Seeing the Burrito Man, day after day on the same corner, gives my life a simple stability that would be lost if we ever were to stop. If I ever drive by and he is not there, I hope the Burrito Man and his wife have put their cart away forever and have retired to the beach -- where people serve them, for a change!

Superstar Deaths - 06.25.09

Today two American superstars died. This morning, Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with cancer, and this afternoon Michael Jackson died. No matter if you were a fan or not, there is no doubt that both were a big part of American pop culture. Their superstar-ness affected all of us in some way or another.

Jackson's behavior and life was weird, erratic, eccentric, and bizarre. However, his music was simply unbelievable. His style, outfits, dance moves were copied by millions. His music videos on the new MTV in the early '80's were revolutionary. I admit I wasn't a huge follower of his, except for his big hits when I was in high school. I felt like he was a troubled persona that could never shake the spotlight. I am sure his music and character will live on just like Elvis.

Farrah Fawcett was known by every male, young and old, in the '70's for her famous poster (you know the one...red bathing suit, huge smile...), including my younger brother. I remember her in Charlie's Angels as the "sexy" one (I thought Kate Jackson was cool because she was the "smart" one...go figure), and honestly, thought she was a flake. When I saw her in "The Burning Bed," I was really moved by her portrayal of the abused wife.

I am not a "People" magazine follower or a watcher of Entertainment Tonight, but over the years I would hear things about Farrah -- drugs, romances, etc. She and Ryan O'Neal always seemed to be on-again-off-again. But I never, ever considered myself a fan of hers...which is why her death has got me so sad is somewhat perplexing.

As I watched a remembrance bit tonight on Farrah's life, I realized I was crying. The deep love Ryan had for her over the years -- he wanted to marry her even as sick as she was; the fact that her son was in jail and couldn't say good-bye to her; she was a beautiful and famous woman who couldn't hide from cancer; the support system she had with her girlfriends...all this tragedy together was overwhelming to hear.

I hope they both have found the peace, faith, and acceptance that they deserve.

Clapton/Winwood Concert

Let me begin by saying the music was incredible, and since I saw Clapton last (20 some years ago), his voice has only gotten a little "croakier." Steven Winwood is still amazing, and his rendition of "Georgia" gave me goosebumps. The drummer was a young guy and his talent just blew me away. They performed some of the songs you might expect, but not all. They went into a relaxed-sit-down-coffee-shop performance of bluesy music, which I'm not sure the crowd liked but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I think maybe people thought it was an intermission...

But here is the really amazing part about tonight -- my friend Sarah and I were on the young side of the age group (41 & 42)! I'm not kidding about this, people! It could have been an AARP convention! We got there around 7:30, so we had half an hour to talk and "people watch." A group of 3 men and 3 women slowly walked up the stairs and sat behind us. They were all complaining about their aches, pains, and woes. At which Sarah and I silently snickered. At 8pm when the lights went out, they all lit up joints! But I'm sure it was medicinal, right?

I guess I have been out of the "concert circuit" for some time, because I don't ever remember all the flashing lights and crap that vendors walked around selling. And when did it become ok to get up a few thousand times during a 2.5 hour show? This one guy kept excusing himself past me so many times, he finally apologized and said "I didn't have dinner yet." Huh?! Then stay home and eat, guy, because you certainly aren't watching the concert!

All in all, it was a great evening, and to the grandma sitting in front of us rockin' out to "Cocaine"...YOU GO GIRL! :)

Drunk with Sunshinyness!

Today was one of those perfect days, almost being surreal... it was that perfect. It started out average enough -- dropped Emily off at Driver's ed. (last day...hooray!) and went to work. After a couple of hours, my mind started to wander. I know myself too well and when that happens, well, I just pack it in because nothing productive happens.

I stopped by the store to get carrots and cauliflower to make my awesome Creamy Cauliflower soup for lunch. As I was chopping, measuring, and stirring, I let the dogs outside. Bright blue sky, some white puffy clouds, warm sunshine, a hint of a breeze, the neighborhood was quiet, birds chirping...so you see, I had to take advantage of all that beauty and I ate my lunch on the patio. My neighbors have their mother staying with them for the next 6 months. She is from Peru and her English is impeccable. She came over for a visit and we had a lovely time.

After lunch I went to get Emily. At home I took a quick survey of the house -- yes, it needed cleaning, laundry was begging to be washed, the dishwasher needed emptying and reloading. But I just couldn't let a day like today go to waste. So I did what any sane woman would do -- I went outside. All the pets followed me like I was the Pied Piper. We found our spots -- me in the chair, Jake on the other chair, Maggie in the patch of grass, and Luna by the milk box. I brought my book with me, but it seemed too great of an effort to even open it. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and soaked up the sun (yes, I was wearing sunblock).

Sitting there in my own little oasis, I went between dozing off and thinking. Sometimes in that in-between-state, thoughts for me become so clear and vivid, yet when I want to retrieve them at a later time, they vanish like sun warming the fog. Anyway, the quiet bliss was interrupted by the sound of laughter. Real laughter. And it was coming from my three kids. As I listened to them, I realized they dug up the ol' Gamecube from the basement and were playing a game that hadn't seen the light in years. They were having fun and enjoying each other's company. Hmmm..."Siblings" -- another blog, another time.

In my dazed, out-of-body-and-mind, relaxed state, I opened my eyes. What I saw could only be described as hilarious! My cat, who prides herself on being aloof (like, all the time), had the craziest SMILE on her face and her hooded eyes were half closed. She was totally and completely enjoying the sunshine as much as I was! I, along with my dopey pets, was DRUNK WITH SUNSHINYNSS!

My perfect afternoon came to a screeching halt when Big Luna (our neighbor's Bernaise, Jake's girlfriend) came crashing into our patio. Yes, crashing -- she has issues... But it wasn't really destroyed. It was such a wonderful day, and I know days like today will come again. But I can't seek them out -- they have to be handed to me like an unexpected, lovely gift.

Knitting...not for the lazy or uninterested!

I'm going to say this right now...I don't knit. Oh, I tried in high school, but I don't think my heart was ever really in it. I come from amazing, creative, and crafty women. My mom is an incredible knitter (her babysitter taught her how) and seamstress (also? her cooking is unbelievable, she weaves, she paints...yea, she's "the bomb!"); my aunt Kathy (mom's sis) makes the most beautiful needlepoints ever and is a knitter; their mom, Edryce, wove squares and sewed them together to make quilts; and my grandma Elvera (dad's mom) won a needlepoint contest at age 13! She and her sister-in-law used to make me and my sister these very elaborate and elegant ballgowns for our Barbies when we were young. So you see I was under pressure to create!

Except that I was the one putting pressure on myself. I went through a cross-stitch faze, and I didn't hate it (and made some pretty nice things), but I didn't LOVE it. I did some sewing in high school -- I made a Laura Ashley dress that came out perfectly! I sewed my girls cute, easy sun dresses when they were munchkins. My mom used to sew all her grand kids matching outfits when they came to visit (think "Sound of Music"). Of all the crafty activities that I've tried, sewing would be the one I'd like to take up again, at some point in my life.

I tried knitting and my mom showed me how, but I could never figure out how to start or finish and I was constantly asking her to show me...again. She gave me a very easy afghan pattern to start with. I chose what must have been my two favorite colors at that time in my life -- dark purple and light blue. I must have gotten through 5-6 squares until I called it quits. My mom never showed any disappointment in my giving up. Even after she spent so much time and patience by showing me...over and over and over.

Knitting has become "fashionable" again in the past few years. There have been novels written about knitting clubs, celebrities are seen knitting, and chic yarn stores are popping up everywhere. A few years ago my mom taught my daughter Kelly how to knit. It was a labor of love -- Kelly is left-handed and my mom is right-handed, so it took a while for Kelly to really become comfortable with her knitting. For a while Kelly was really "into" her new skill, then it seemed to fade away. I thought she was just like me...

Until last fall when I was cleaning out the basement. I found my old knitting bag and showed Kelly. Her first comment was to "compliment" me on my color choices! Kelly really looked at my work and mentioned that a few of the squares were really good. And there were a few good ones...among the too-tight-and-too-loose knitted squares. She asked if she could have the bag and I gladly gave it to her. She told me that she remembered that mormor (my mom) told her that once you've mastered knitting and purling, you can knit anything.

This past year she became close friends with some of the other girls in the IB program at school. One of the girls (Shelby) is a knitter, and Kelly once again became interested in the craft. She has become a knitting fool! The money she earns babysitting she spends on needles and yarn. She has knit her youth director a hat in a beautiful deep, ruby-red color. Kayla will treasure that hat as she moves to Honduras next month -- both as a piece of clothing and because it was knit with love by a close friend.

Kelly and Shelby have run with their passion and have coordinated an after-school knitting club this fall at the middle school. They will facilitate the club and everything that is made will be donated to a local shelter. To get a head start, Kelly has been knitting beanie hats this summer. Lots and lots of beanie hats...

My mom still knits in front of the TV and in the car (with dad driving, of course); I watch a woman in church knit during the sermon, and it gives me a warm, comforting feeling; I have a good friend who is an avid knitter (she has this knitted shawl that I would sell one of my own kids for!); my two nieces knit; and I watch Kelly as she proudly completes another beanie. And they all really ENJOY knitting -- the prep, the process, and the product. I'm so glad that Kelly has the knitting "bug," and hopefully she'll pass it along to her kids and grand kids.

My Day as a Juror

Bear with me because this story takes just a wee bit of set-up. Last fall (2008), I received a juror summons notice. I filled out the "postponement application" and hoped for the best. My reasons were valid -- I was at the tail-end of my master's program, and I envisioned a long, drawn-out trial where I wouldn't be able to attend class, etc. The second reason? I would miss my preschool's Thanksgiving Day Feasts, and if you've ever had a preschooler and attended their "feast," you know how precious and fun they are. Within days I received a reply: I was excused this time (factoid: you only get 1 excuse from jury duty during your lifetime, so use it wisely), but I was scheduled for June 15, 2009.

I have to admit, I kind of pushed it out of my mind. And maybe I was hoping that I would somehow be forgotten in the shuffle of paperwork. Did that happen? No. I received my summons and I called that Friday before (after 6pm). I've actually received a jury summons years ago, but when I called I was no longer needed. Well, this time, I was needed. Bugger! I made arrangements at work, scheduled my son to chauffeur my daughter to-and-from her driver's ed. class all week, went grocery shopping, etc. I felt as though I needed to make a flow chart to coordinate everyone's activities (ok, so I did...with Post-It notes!).

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep, and then I woke up at 4 am. You know that feeling when you have the stomach flu and your tummy is all in knots? Uh huh, that's the feeling I had. I'm not even sure why. Whatever...

I dropped my daughter at the high school and as I was driving down the street, a BIRD flies right into my windshield! Really, a bird! So, right now there are about a gazillion miller moths flying about, which means there are about a bazillion birds trying to catch them (tasty treats). At intersections it is almost comical to watch the birds dive, twist, and turn to get a moth. Why intersections? Because of all the cars, the temperature is higher there and moths like heat (factoid #2). So I scream, but only because there is now bird "juice" blocking my view. I flip on the wipers and most of it smudges off. I know, totally gross image, but I was there!!

I get to the courthouse, fill out forms, wait, watch a "how-to" video, wait, wait, and wait some more. Names are called...I made the 1st cut...I feel kinda special! Upstairs we all go, are seated in the court room, listen to both sides, then the questions begin. Second cut...I made it again! I gotta tell you, I'm feeling pretty good at this point. The trial seems really interesting and might take at least a few weeks. Then the judge reads the list of witnesses and I know one of them. In fact, it's my doctor. So, I am excused, and I'm kinda sad. It felt good to do my civic duty and I am sincere when I say that.

Now I can go back to work, drive the "mom-taxi (555-you-must-not-have-a-life-so-drive-me-somewhere!)," and not have to miss my vacation. But for all of the "inconveniences" it could have and would have caused me, I really would have been proud to serve on the jury.

Time for Me

This has been a busy week -- the weather has been unseasonably cool, rainy, and "tornado-y," it was the girls' first week of summer break, I met up with my college roommate after 20 years, and I have been obsessively trying to get my office in order BEFORE I get down to do the actual work that I do.

The tornado event was crazy. As exciting as it was for me and the kids, it was a nightmare for others. So many roofs have had to be repaired, windows replaced, fences mended, cars fixed, etc. Everyone thought it was a freak occurrence, but we have had the exact same weather pattern every day this week! Never again will I take a tornado warning lightly. And the rain! I believe I have even seen dogs and cats falling out of the sky!

Let me tell you what I like about the girls being in school...the bus! I feel like some kind of chauffeur-on-call this week. When I explain I have to go into work, I get the "sigh-then-eye-rolling" look, followed by the "what-about-me" look. Seriously, it hasn't been all that bad, but I do feel as though I haven't had any time for me. Does that sound selfish to you? Well, it shouldn't! Everybody needs to take time for themselves, because if you don't you will hit a brick wall (just trust me on this...).

I met up with Laura, my college roommate. Which was totally fun! The evening was full of catching up and remembering the past. Even with so much time gone by, we still "clicked" (or is it "clacked?"). We are different people, yes, but that is part of the fun! Besides, not sure I would like hanging out with a clone of me...

Lastly, I've got this whole office-thing going on. Switching to the Resource Room has made such a difference in my office (can you say "space?!"), but now I am obsessed with getting EVERYTHING in exact order so that I can get down to work. My heart is telling me to organize, clean, rearrange, etc., my head is warning me that I have a very LONG list of things that I absolutely need to be working on. Sigh...

Which brings me to tonight. Matt is out, Kelly is out (she is turning into quite the social butterfly...must keep an eye on her!), so that leaves me and Emily. We have been having a delightful time together. As I am writing this, she is watching a National Geographic special on "Piranah...The River Monster!" Or something like that. Very seldom does she venture downstairs and want to hang out with her ol' mom. But she has been delightful and chatty (although I think I've heard as many "Aaron" stories as I can take...).

To wrap up the rambles of tonight, I am taking a few days to myself. Tomorrow morning I'll swing by and pick up my girlfriend Tina, and up to the mountains we'll go! We're going to just chill -- nature walks, good food, chick-flicks, adult beverages, and it wouldn't be complete without SPA TIME! Which will be so relaxing! And I'm going to need it -- in addition to our normal craziness next week, Emily starts Drivers' Ed. and I've got jury duty...oh joy!

Tornado!

Today I witnessed a truly amazing and frightening natural event -- a tornado right over my house!

At 1:30 pm I was checking out of Lowe's with flowers that I was going to plant in pots for my patio. The sun was out and it was beautiful. I got home 10 minutes later (only 1.5 miles up the road), and my daughter greeted me by reminding me that she had to be at her friends house a little after 2pm. At that point the sky looked just a bit grey and cloudy. At a few minutes before 2 pm, the TV made the warning sound. I looked, and it was a tornado warning for Adams county, specifically 20 miles north of Denver (we are 20 miles SE of Denver).

I went out to my car on the driveway and noticed a few of my neighbors looking at the sky. I turned and saw a perfectly formed funnel cloud over my neighbors' building. I thought it was just a dust cloud. I called my kids outside and told them to bring their cameras. The sight was indescribably beautiful -- a slow-churning cloud that had us excited and mesmerized at the same time. It was around 2 pm at this point.

My son Matt took footage with his camera, and my daughter Kelly took 3 videos with my camera. In the first video we are laughing and it's clear we aren't exactly sure if it's a tornado. The second video we are sure it's a tornado and we very caught up in the excitement and awe of what we are seeing. The amount of debris caught up in the tornado is amazing -- sheets of metal, giant trampolines, lawn furniture, signs, trees, etc. By the third video I finally put my "mom hat" on (duh!) and realize we needed to get inside. I'm yelling, the girls are nervously giggling, and Matt's hair is blowing straight up...we run inside.

The baseball-sized hail starts pounding the windows, but none of them broke (hooray!). My car was still on the driveway because I had all my new plants on the floor of the garage. Car alarms were going off in the neighborhood like crazy, and some cars have no windshield left and holes in the hood, but my Highlander and Matt's Jeep? Not a scratch!

As soon as the storm came it was gone and blue sky and sunshine returned. At about 3 pm, I drove Kelly to her friends house. I immediately knew something was going on when I saw the line of cars trying to get out of Southlands Mall, which is across the street from the Lowe's that I was at earlier. Another tip off was the swarm of helicopters above us. My neighborhood has a builders' trailer and two industrial-sized dumpsters right outside of my neighborhood -- the trailer is completely gone and the dumpsters are a good mile away. It seemed like every emergency vehicle in Arapahoe county was either on the road or at Southlands.

From listening to the news, it appears that there was quite a lot of damage to the mall. Cars were overturned, walls are down, sidewalks have "popped" up, and the Lowe's had propane tanks flying about, hitting nearby houses like torpedoes.

We never heard a warning signal, from either the TV or outside before the tornado struck. And yes, it's true, when the winds are churning it DOES sound like a freight train. We are so lucky nothing more than a few ruined flowers, a scared dog (the other dog was too excited to be scared), and a literal scaredy-cat (she came out just a few minutes ago from her secret hiding spot in the basement) happened to us. It is sobering to think that we missed the tornado's touchdown by less than a quarter mile. I had a friend at the mall, and her car is "jacked up." Another friend has windows out in her house and her cars are totaled. Thank heavens no people or animals perished.

It is currently about 6:45 pm and is gorgeous outside -- I think I'll go plant my flowers now.

"Malling"

Today is Saturday. That means errands, errands, and more errands. Because the weather is absolutely gorgeous, I wasn't real thrilled to go to the mall. The mall by my house is an outdoors mall, and it's actually very nice, but still, errands are errands. I was picturing a whole day spent outside -- planting my flower pots, walking the doggies, sunning, you know, a day to myself.

I get to the mall. A totally crowded mall. Of course, it's Saturday which means the Farmer's Market. Which is usually fun when I walk to the mall, but today I'm driving. Crap. For a split second I decide to go back home, but that means I just have to come back. So I trudge forward. I fill the gas tank (when did gas get expensive again???), wash the car (I love shiny tires!), go to Sam's and fill the trunk of the car with food and stuff (Sam's and Costco have LOTS of "stuff" which I probably don't need, but who can resist 96 rolls of TP?).

As I am on my way out of the mall, I drive by the fountains. All the little kiddies are running through the sprays of water while shrieks of laughter escape from them, their moms and dads are just outside of the perimeter of water, soaking up the sun, watching their children, and catching up and sharing the latest neighborhood gossip with each other. And behind the parents are...tweenagers. Just milling about, trying to look so very cool, but I'll bet that they are all wishing they are little again so they could run unabashedly through the fountains.

As I am enjoying watching the people (BTW? One of my most favorite past-times is people-watching), I think about how awkward it is for the tweens. They are too young to drive and most don't have the usual summer part-time jobs due to this "fantastic" economy. So they end up "malling" -- hanging out with their friends at the mall. Since I have teenagers who are just past the "malling" age, I know what lies ahead for these tweens: car insurance, jobs, college, responsibility, dating-and-then-breaking-up...adulthood.

So all you "mallers" out there...enjoy your friends, the sun, the fountains, and the mall. Go ahead and run through the fountains, waving your arms in the air and laugh, laugh, laugh! Because in a few years if you do it, chances are you'll be hauled away and cited as "disturbing the peace." Enjoy your summer!

Giving Thanks

As I grow older (and hopefully wiser), there are situations where I've changed my thinking. I remember when my own children were very young, I prompted them into saying certain things, like "thank you," and "I'm sorry." and "please forgive me" -- especially to adults. I suppose it starts with good intentions -- you want to teach your child to be polite. But where are the good parental intentions supposed to stop and when are the childs' natural and own sentiments expressed?

I cringe internally when I hear a parent instructing their child to "tell Billy you're sorry for hitting him." Do you think that child is really sorry? I'd put money on that he wasn't (or else why would he haul off and punch Billy?). But it sure makes the parent feel better, doesn't it? In my opinion, the parent sees their child's bad behavior as a reflection on them, as a parent.

At my preschool, I am more interested in what made that child hit Billy, instead of quickly wrapping the situation up with a forced "sorry." Getting to the root of a situation is very telling, and that is not to say that hitting is ok, but let's hear what both sides have to say before we shut the book on the issue.

As a child I was taught to write thank-you cards for the gifts that I received. I grew to absolutely love writing them! My grandma saved all the cards that I wrote to her, and when she died I got some of them back. Reading the notes, I could tell they were written from my heart -- probably way more than what was necessary in a thank-you note. I taught my children the same: if someone is nice enough to think of you and give you a gift, you need to thank them. And my kids do...some of the time. But instead of thinking how badly it is reflected on me as their parent when they don't write a thank-you, it's a reflection on them. I don't guilt my kids into writing -- they are all bright young adults who know right from wrong.

So, why did I come up with this topic to write about? Today I went to Costco with ALL of my kids -- I didn't ask any of them, they just came along for the ride. We had a great time... everyone got along and helped out with choosing the food. I took them to Qdoba for lunch, and as we were walking to the car, my son put his arm around me (yes, in public!), gave me a squeeze, and said "thanks, mom for a great day."

And it came straight from his heart.

Dating...am I really ready?

The phrase "Meg dating" to me is as foreign to my ears as is Latin -- it just doesn't make any sense. However, two separate incidents have happened to me in the past week that have got me thinking about, well, dating.

After my divorce in August of 2005, I promised myself and my kids that I would not even consider dating until my youngest daughter, Emily, graduated from high school (June 2012). The way my kids' dad left, remarried, and told his kids about it after the fact, left a sour taste in all of our mouths. And I really believe that the time I have spent with just my kids has been both necessary and good. The bond between all of us became that much stronger -- the trust and compatibility that we have now is nothing less than awesome. Side note...do we still disagree at times? do my kids make me insane at times? do we all irritate each other at times? Heck, yes! But we are quick to apologize, make up, whatever is needed to restore the relationship.

I think that I, more than anyone, have gotten way too comfortable being by myself. It is not very often I have the house to myself, and when I do I usually read (and really? is there anything as wonderful as reading a good book uninterrupted?). Well, a few weeks ago there was a Saturday where all my kids were away. I was almost giddy with anticipation -- my chance for quietness, for reading, for ME! But guess what? It took me a while to put my finger on it, but when I did, the feeling shocked me...I felt loneliness. There was no one to talk to, laugh with, to just BE WITH.

Of course, I never told anyone about what I felt that day. Almost as if I was embarrassed or something. Anyway, I was talking with a girlfriend recently and I mentioned that even though my kids did not have a great role model in their dad while they were young, there were other quality men with character in their lives. My friend laughed and said my kids were grown, and if I ever remarried my new husband would probably be a role model for my grand kids, not my kids. Ouch. It wasn't meant to hurt, but it did...a little. The second incident happened today as my middle daughter Kelly and I were driving home from doing errands. Out of the blue she says, "Mom, I want you to find someone so that you won't be lonely when we are all gone." Again, ouch.

I've tried to be very conscious of the fact that I am my kids' mother, and not their friend. I've seen too many divorced parents try and turn themselves into their kids' girlfriend or buddy. I disagree, but I also understand. I have also witnessed newly divorced women and men become so lonely that they jump into a new relationship that is not healthy, and end up twice-divorced or just very unhappy. Once was enough for me, thank-you-very-much. Not looking to go through that pain and mess again.

I've often thought about what kind of person I might like to date. In fact, it was an "assignment" my therapist gave me a few years ago. I was asked to make a list of everything I would like in a partner. The characteristics that were so very important when I was younger have changed just a bit! I would love to have someone make me laugh -- I feel as though I spent so many years not laughing and being serious all the time. And a love for travel. Laughing and traveling...a good combination, I think.

So why am I writing about all this now? Well, my daughter has threatened me with this: she has promised me that she is going to enlist the help of one of my girlfriends and create a "profile" of me on one of those online dating services. Humiliating, right? And this is what she said, "I would be more honest about you than you ever would be." Alright, so hopefully I'm past the point of lying about my weight on my drivers license (wait...no, no I'm not!), but seriously? Getting dating advice from my kids is just so wrong! I am still ok with growing older with my books and pets and lunch with my girlfriends every week, but I guess if I met someone who made me laugh and took me to Italy on vacation, that too would be fine.

Letting Go

Today my son finished his last exam, and he said he "stormed it." He was in a great mood, so I assume "storming" a test means he did well. I am so happy for him -- his freshman year started out very rocky, but he seems to have gotten a handle on his life and he is now officially a sophmore.

I ask him what he plans to do with his summer (hello...? don't kids need jobs anymore?), and he tells me he is off to go camping. Immediately. Right now at 8:30 pm. Huh. From what I understand, a bunch of guys are driving up into the Rocky Mountains to camp for several days. Not at an official campground, mind you. At "a really cool, secluded area by a lake that we found last summer."

So, he's ready to go: sneakers, jeans, t-shirt, BB rifle, and sleeping bag. It is only mid-May, and the temperature at night is barely out of the 30's here in Denver. So I ask him, "honey, do you have a hoodie?" "Oh, right!" and he runs downstairs to get one. My mind is racing like a hamster wheel and the last thing I want to do is spoil his fun. But...I am a MOM, and I can't help but think of accidents, bears, foolish behavior, etc. But...he is 19, and he has made it so far, overcoming (on his own) incredible obstacles.

So, I hugged him, told him to be careful and have fun, and to please call or text me when he was on his way home. I really like his group of friends and I have to trust that all will be well and he'll return home safe and sound.

Did I mention that he doesn't receive cell service in the mountains? Breathe...breathe...

Happy Mother's Day!

It's another Hallmark Holiday. Yes, I suppose it shouldn't take a day in May to show your mom how much she is appreciated, but so what? It's been around as long as I can remember and it was started with good intentions. I can remember as a child making cards with lots and lots of hearts, surrounding the word "mom." It made me feel good to be able to make my mom smile (that's mom and dad last Christmas in the photo).

I remember asking her "What do you want for Mother's Day (or birthday, or Christmas...)?" She always replied, "Nothing, honey, just you!" I remember thinking that it was a lame answer...I wanted to BUY her something pretty!

As a "seasoned" mother (with lots more challenges to come, I'm sure!), I now totally understand why she gave that answer -- I really don't need a "thing" from my kids to make me happy. Having the opportunity to watch them grow, face new situations, help them through their struggles, share in their joy -- that's what makes me happy! When my son wants to move back home because he feels loved here, when my oldest daughter out-of-the-blue tells me I'm her best friend, or when my youngest daughter shares with me how happy she is because she has her first boyfriend...these are the things that lift me up. Being a mom is the most rewarding and heartbreaking job of all time. But my kids were given to me for a reason, and I don't take that reason lightly.

So, cheers to all the wonderful, awesome, incredible moms out there! I wish my mom were here to celebrate, but that will come in July. And really? Does it matter when, as long as it happens? Already this morning my day has been brightened by my kids: sleeping in, homemade breakfast, a beautiful silver necklace with a "mom" and heart charm, a late lunch at Ted's (um, that's my kids' favorite restaurant...), and the new Star Trek movie. What more can I ask for...I have it all!

Just Because...

I find "blogging" very therapeutic. Very much like journaling, but...different.

In journaling, there are no "do-overs." What I first write down, it stays there forever. Nothing can replace a beautiful, leather-bound journal (my splurge to myself every new year) and the thoughts that transpire from words and feelings into a daily record of a tiny part of my life. However, with blogging, it is usually an idea that I have been mulling over, and to be honest, it is usually something that irks me. Something that I have a gripe about.

And really? It works! I have the pleasure of rewording sentences, erasing thoughts, adding ideas, changing fonts -- really putting MYSELF into my blog. Tiny bit of background that might help explain this: when I was 6 my favorite Christmas gift was a wicker basket filled with pencils, paper, and all kinds of fun office supplies, a bit older and I wanted to be a secretary, and to this day I still get a real thrill walking into Office Depot or Max, Paparys, and any bookstore. I love writing, reading, and someday hope to write an actual book (I've got some ideas brewing...).

But this isn't a blog about blogging. What I want to say tonight is this...this is the first evening that I can leave the windows open and welcome in the soft, sweet-smelling breeze. And just because it is so tranquil outside tonight, I am going to bed and read a book. No TV, no lap-top, no phones, no radio...just me and my thoughts.

Just because.

What Is More Important?

Excuse me while I vent...ARGH!!!!! Today something so unbelievable happened at my work, I am still in a state of shock. My place of work is a private, Christian preschool that serves 96 wonderful families. Most of the time. I have the privilege of being the director and have the most awesome staff of teachers ever. All of the time.

Morning classes went just fine, and a group of kiddos went on to "Lunch Bunch." This is an extra hour where kiddos can bring their lunch from home and eat and play with their friends. Oh yes, and it gives the parents an extra hour to themselves. At 12:30 pm, Lunch Bunch ends and kids either go home or to the afternoon class. Well, today at 12:50 pm, the Lunch Bunch teacher brought me a little 3-year old boy that had not yet been picked up by his mom. I called mom and she said she'd be right there (gave no explanation). She did not walk into my office until 1:30 pm! For those of you who are doing the math, that is ONE HOUR after pick-up time!

While the little boy was in my office, a horrible, but familiar, odor wafted past my desk. "Honey, do you have to go to the bathroom?" "No." I've been doing this a while and know not to immediately trust everything out of a child's mouth. Sure enough, the little boy didn't have to go to the bathroom because he already had in his pants. And it was the worst kind...think pea soup! Now, here is a question for all you parents -- what would you do?

Well, this mom came in talking on her cell phone. Without pausing, she took her son by the hand and started to walk out. I immediately said, "Excuse me, but he has had a humongous accident and I couldn't change him because his extra clothes were not in his back pack." Her response? "Oh, he never has accidents." HELLLLOOOO?! Do you not see and smell what I am smelling? But this mother had more important matters to tend to and gestured that she had a very important client on the phone and had "to run."

At this point, my annoyance with her blatant tardiness had vanished and was instead replaced with pure anger. In fact, I didn't trust myself to speak and had to sit down and breathe. After scrubbing the stain out on my carpet (it had better be gone by tomorrow!), I learned from one of the teachers that the mom had pulled up in her car much earlier but spent the time on her phone.

Let me just put this out there -- from a teacher's point-of-view, it is apparent from the first day of school, we can tell which children are valued and which children are "props." I would like to be able to tell you that this was a "fluke," but knowing this mother for several years I have to say it's not a surprise. Sure, this boy has every toy and video game on the market, and I'm sure his mom is so proud of her savvy techie kid. If I am still blogging in 15 years, I'll let you know what the outcome is...stay tuned.

Cheating

Now, I know what you are probably thinking, but I'm not going to talk about "couple cheating." Right now I'd like to ponder cheating, as in...cheating. If we're going to be completely honest here, I think I can HONESTLY say that we've all cheated in school at some point, right? From glancing at the the back of the book to sneaking a peek at your neighbors' test to flat-out paying for answers. Somehow, back then, it seemed so innocent...even exciting.

However, when you have kids of your own and learn that they cheated on something, YOU ARE SHOCKED! Am I right? "Not my kid!" Ha ha, oh that's right...

So, when my ULTRA SMART daughter (really...she loves physics, math, anything geeky) asked me if she could wrap her heartbeat monitor around my laptop, I was intrigued. Here's her deal: she is taking so many prep classes that she has no time for "fluff" classes, like P.E., so she is taking "gym class on-line" (no kidding). All she has to do is record her heartbeat while exercising, and she has done so flawlessly all semester.

But tonight was different. She had "heard" from someone that if she wrapped her monitor around a laptop, it would record a heartbeat. Please remember, this is a very smart chick, and yet, she fell for it! My daughter spent more time trying to "cheat the system," instead of just doing the work...incredible!

As I watched her, trying so hard not to laugh, it occurred to me that even the best of us try to take the easy road every now and then. I asked her if she found the heartbeat -- she opened her mouth to, I am sure spout off something sarcastic, when she realized the ridiculousness of her situation and burst out laughing. That's OK, honey...my own older sister tried to sell me an elevator pass when I entered high school.

Priorities

It's amazing what a good nights' sleep can do for me. I know growing children and adolescents need a bunch of sleep every night, but a woman in her 40's (early forties, BTW)? I woke up feeling rested and refreshed...something I haven't felt in a while! My morning went well -- I even got the doggies out for a nice, long walk before church. When I got home, I started thinking about all the stuff I needed to get done and decided that since the fridge was empty I should probably go grocery shopping. My youngest daughter came along which was nice -- she usually doesn't "hang" with me.

I put some stuff that was on my "to do" list on the back burner and spent the day with my kids. Also, at some point during the day, I had a meaningful face-to-face conversation with each of them (really, no texting involved!). What I am starting to understand is this: if I don't complete everything on my list, it's ok. IT'S REALLY, REALLY OK. All the cleaning, laundry, and work will still stick around, just waiting for me. But spending time with my kids and by myself is truly priceless. And now that I think about my lovely day today, it actually started last night with a great friend at a Mexican cantina drinking yummy margaritas and listening to happy drunk women (no, not us!) karoaking to ABBA... life is good.

When It Rain, It Pours

In a nutshell, my day went something like this: left the house early to have blood work done, got a call from the high school saying my daughter is sick and needs to go home, finished lab work, got daughter and brought her home, arrived at work, made two unpleasant phone calls, received one unpleasant email from ex-husband, the State made their surprise visit to the school (passed with flying colors, thank-you-very-much!), got dizzy from fasting the night before (blood work, remember?), got a heads-up that a position that I had applied for months ago, and had forgotten about until now, just checked my references last night and were very positive, went home and crashed (what I tend to do when I need to retreat), have been bugged by sick daughter to let her go on an overnight church retreat with new boyfriend and I said absolutely NOT, and then started receiving texts from new boyfriend pleading daughters case.

Just when I was thinking how much I hated being a single-parent-mom, I remembered something today that I hadn't been able to give two thoughts to -- a good friend and I are going away on vacation for a week this summer for some much needed R&R, for both of us. As I was thinking about this joyous, upcoming trip, I was reminded that there are special people that are put in my life for a purpose. And no matter how stressful and unpleasant life can be, there are always constants -- God, family, and friends...and sometimes those friends are my life-line.

First blog ever..

Well, I succumbed to peer-pressure (at my age!), and started my own blog. How could I give up the chance to talk about me?! I can't. But it does pose a problem of sorts...do I continue to write in my journal, as well? Isn't that kinda like "double-dipping?" We'll see...

My kids are fascinated with my blog. Kind of like a train wreck, I think. They did, however, help me pick the colors, fonts, and all that important stuff. Then came the, "well, mom...what are you gonna write about? I mean, other people might SEE it." That's the point, yes? Anyway, I'm sure my kids will come up a lot -- after all, they are a part of me, live in my house -- great conversation pieces.